Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The SCARY Phrases of Motherhood

Jill, the author and mom extraordinaire of

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is running a contest. Jill is looking for some other Scary Mommies out there. So, here goes...These are the scary things that I do, and say that make me a Scary Mommy.

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How I Get My Daughter to Listen and Mind


I am a firm believer of tell it like it is parenting with a bit of fear splashed in. I tend to make other parents cover their children's ears and shield their eyes in stores as I am saying the things listed below. I have people walk up to me in parking lots and tell me that I should NOT say such things to my daughter. But, it works - at least for us.

As we are getting out of the car in the grocery store parking lot:
Me: "You need to hold my hand"
DD: "NO"
Me: "You need to hold my hand before you get run over and go splat"
(woman walking by looks at me like I am evil)
DD: "Yes Mommy" *holds my hand all the way to the store*

Madaline is trying to balance herself on the arm of the couch to look out the big bag window in the living room:
ME: "You need to get down from there"
DD: "No"
Me: "I don't have time for broken bones and contorted limbs - NOW, get down from there"
DD: "Yes, Mommy"

Madaline has found a tiny toy that we thought we had put up out of her reach:
Me: "You need to take that out of your mouth"
Maddy: "No"
Me: "Do you want to choke and die? Take it out of your mouth"
Maddy" "Ok Mommy" *hands me small toy*

Madaline is taking a bath and I have just shut the water off:
Me: "Maddy please don't stick your finger up that thing the water comes out of"
Maddy: *continues doing what she's doing*
Me: "Madaline...you need to stop putting your finger in the water thingy"
Maddy: *continues to ignore me*
Me: "Madaline - do you want your finger to get stuck and us to have to cut your whole arm off?"
Maddy: "No."
Me: "Then get your finger out of there"
Maddy: "Ok"

Madaline is exploring in the upper part of the Orchard, a good 1/2 - 3/4 of a football field in lengh from the deck where I am sitting:
My mom: "You shouldn't let her wander up there by herself"
Me: "Why...."
My Mom: "Someone might take her"
Me: "Dude, Mom, Who's going to come out of the hedgerow and take take her? The Deer? Sasquatch? And, besides, I guarantee that Sasquatch would return her probably 5 minutes after he takes her"
My Mom: "True"
Me: "See...nothing to worry about.....
Me: "Madaline....can you come a bit closer to the backyard - before something comes out of the woods and eats you?"

Madaline is standing in the large part of the cart as we are tooling around Walmart
Me: "Can you sit down please?"
Maddy: "No" * starts to jump up and down*
Me: "Madaline, do you want to fall out of the cart and crack your head open? All your brains will fall out"
*No less than 3 people turn and give us looks of horror*
Maddy: "No"
Me: "Well, then sit down, Mommy doesn't have time for blood and guts today"
Maddy: "Ok Mommy"

And, if all else fails - I resort to bribing. Nothing gets a my kid to sit at the dinner table, in a cart or stops her in her naughty tracks like the promise of a trip to Dunkin Donuts.

13 comments:

LZ @ My Messy Paradise said...

I will never again put my finger up a faucet out of fear of losing my arm.

Loved this post - glad to see others resort to instilling a bit of healthy fear...

I'd say you are pretty scary!

Cassie said...

Nice post. I hardly ever have time for blood and guts. Good luck!

Erin M Reed said...

Bribing me with DD works too!! lol

Molly Louise said...

My mom: "You shouldn't let her wander up there by herself"
Me: "Why...."
My Mom: "Someone might take her"
Me: "Dude, Mom, Who's going to come out of the hedgerow and take take her? The Deer? Sasquatch? And, besides, I guarantee that Sasquatch would return her probably 5 minutes after he takes her"
My Mom: "True"

Absolutely awesome. You just made my day.

McVal said...

LOL! The Sasquatch wouldn't want her?! LOL!

bluecottonmemory said...

How about "If you drown you can't come swimming with me again!" I don't know why children want reasons for EVERYTHING, but they do! It wears one out! sigh! Such an enjoyable post, but definitely not scary mommy enough! LOL

Scary Mommy said...

I'm totally right there with you--- I hiss the same things at my children-- and bribery? How else are we ever supposed to get them to do anything!??

Michelle said...

LOL! I don't, sounds like a pretty honest way of parenting to me!

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

I am totally with you. All of those things could happen. Even a boogey man from the grass! Haha perfect reasoning!

I am now following!

JenniferG said...

Thanks for giving me new ammunition for my kids... of course they might be totally open to the whole blood, guts, dismemberment thing but at least it would get their attention!

Brimful Curiosities said...

Nothing like using the death card. Sometimes I can't believe what comes out of my mouth when trying to reason with my children.

Dolli-Mama said...

Yeah, Mr. Mischief could use a dose of fear, I may borrow a few of your scary phrases!!

Anonymous said...

Saying and doing are two things.