Tuesday, June 23, 2009

An 'Afternoon w/ Ollie - Take 2

Please envision the phone on my desk ringing. Not my cell phone, but the actual land line phone that usually never, and I mean, NEVER rings, that just sits on my desk, and does nothing more than provide something for the cleaning staff to dust on a weekly basis.

Me: Good Afternoon this is Heather
Molly: OH MY GOD!
ME: What?!?!?!? **sigh** slightly annoyed
Molly: OH MY GOD!
ME: **SIGH** MORE than slightly annoyed WHAT!?!?!?!?!!?
Molly: I think your kid ate cat food
Me: **hysterical laughing**
Me: **MORE hysterical laughing**
Me: is that all?
Molly: yes – Is she going to be ok? all panicky and fearful
Me: It’s fine. **chuckle**, really….She regularly eats cat food. It's part of the five food groups in our house. Good Bye Ollie...


Thursday, June 18, 2009

An 'Afternoon w/ Ollie

My sister, Molly, (or Ollie, as Madaline calls her) has been watching Madaline some afternoons for us, between the time my husband leaves for work and the time I get home at 5:30.

Some days are better than others. And, I think it is important to note, that my sister is ONLY 19 and has no experience with babies what so ever, as she was/is the baby of our family. Then again, it's just her and me, so that would naturally make her the baby - but, I digress.

Below is a sampling of text messages she and I shared in a time span of about an hour yesterday afternoon, when my Mayhem Maker was in the care of my sister.
started: 4:04pm
Molly: Okay, so your kid has a great goose egg on her forehead
Me: WTF happened?
Molly: Did you know your upper layer couch cushions moved
Me: huh. Yeah.
Molly: She was hiding under those and banged her forehead on the back of the couch
Me: Oh - ok. Last week you step on her hand, this week, she bangs her head.
Molly: sorry. We are now watching Max & Ruby - were all good.
Me: K
Molly: Oh - You need to change the crib sheets - she had a pee leakage during her nap.
Me: K

started: 4:23pm
Molly: Omg…changed shit pants..it was green
Me: Welcome 2 my world
Molly: Did she eat cucumbers? Because I think she did
Me: Are there cucumber chunks in it?
Molly: Pretty sure
Me: I don’t know what to tell you
Molly: Its okay. She's playing, content and doing her own thing.
Me: I will be home in about an hour - just hold down the fort

At this point, I thought we were good to go. I would be leaving in a half hour - and thought - ok - Madaline had a poo diaper - they are watchign Max & Ruby - they should be good to go.


started: 4:36

Molly: Is shitting the only things your child does?
Me: yes
Molly: Yeah. Thanks
Me: Did she poop again?
Molly: Yes. Green again
Me: I will be home in an hour
Molly: Okay. She's sitting on my diaphragm. And we're watching max and ruby
Me: K

I am now standing in the check out line at Wegmans - We needed a few things for dinner and I was out of granola. I can't eat my morning yogurt without granola.

My sister has now moved away from my daughter's bowel movements, and is more interested in debating the finer points of children's television. Or, more specifically, Max & Ruby. And, well, we all know how much I ADORE Max & Ruby.

started: 5:25pm
Molly: I am going to murder ruby of max and ruby
Me: Why?
Molly: She's an idiot
Me: I know. But shes only a cartoon character
Molly:I know. But she's a controlling moron
Me: I know
Molly: Omg the b**ch is keeping him out of the house
Me: Its how she is
MOlly: Seriously. And i've watched so many episodes of southland that i'm basically addicted
Me: Huh? **then realize that she's referring a new series I recorded and have yet to watch that is still on my DVR**
Molly: Awesome...and ruby sucks at managing finances
Me: I know
Molly: And max is horribly subjected to torture. You on your way home?
ME: Yep
Molly: Okay. Your child is spinning in circles in the living room.
Me: Thats normal
Molly: If max's a patient he might want to turns his head and cough
Me: Its better than bending over and coughing
Molly: He'd do that too
Me: That just wrong thats his sister
Molly:Hey, you can tell who wears the pants in that house
Me: Pants? No one wears pants in bunnyville
Molly: Max does

My daughter,her shitty diapers and her love of Max & Ruby, by far, have been the best form of birth control my sister has ever experienced.

And, for that, I am thankful and may they share many more afternoons together such as this.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wordless Wednesday....

Who needs words? This face says it all..........."nutting", "nnnnnooooo", "No!" and finally "NO!"

WANT MORE? other than mine? Check out - 5 minutes for Mom, that I found, courtesy of clicking links over on Scary Mommy (check her out as well, if you got a second)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Shamless Self Promotion....

I wanted to take a moment and plug my blog, or rather, blogs. This is not the only blog I write. Perhaps that is why my idea low light is always on and my posts are so few and far between.

In addition to this, what I call my 'main blog', this blog that you are reading right this very moment, I have started a daily photo blog, that captures all of Madaline's Mayhem, in photos as opposed to words. If you so choose, please check out:

Madaline: 365 days of Magnificent Mayehm

Also, I co-author The Townsend Bakery, with my adoring sister Molly. It lists my favorite recipes as well as what I may have baked over the weekend or what we are planning on eating for the week. I am also thinking of sharing with you my grocery budget and how I save money each week on our grocery bill. I have cut our weekly grocery bill from about $150 a week to almost $60 a week. **WOW** In addition, we also do Wordless Wednesday and Thankful Thursday's where we list our favorite things. And, of course there are a few random posts in-between.

Also - let me know if you don't see your blog listed on my sidebar. I am more than happy to add you - I just need to know that you are missing.

And, last but not least, if this is not enough for you - you can follow me on Twitter as well. Link is in the sidebar.

Oye - Ok. Enough shameless self promotion for one day. And, I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Stolen Idea: Friend Makin Monday!

This is a little different for me. But, hey, something different is not a bad thing. I was reading The Young and the Relentless while chomping down on my lunch, and I thought, hey - why not. And Connie, in turn got the idea from Kasey, over at All That is Good. **hint, hint - if you get a chance, please take a moment to read both blogs. Thanks**

And, in my mind, since the blog idea low light is on today, without further ado, I present you:

Today's task is CONFESSIONS! *shudder*

So, hmmmmm.....my list is probably going to be rather, Ummmm, boring?

1 - Madaline is showing all the signs of WANTING to potty train. I, however, am not ready - and keep putting it off.

2 - I tell people the reason Madaline still sleeps in a crib, is because she's too little for a toddler bed.

3 - The husband and I think its cute when Madaline says naughty words - and sometimes encourage her to say them again, just so we can laugh.

4 - I don't always wash the piece of fruit or a veggie before I give it to Madaline to eat. Yes folk, my child eats unwashed produce.

5 - I LOVE my daughter, but after almost 2 years, I still have NOT adjusted to being a Mama.

6 - I am a wait and see kind of parent when it comes to fevers, bumps, scrapes and bruises - it doesn't help that we have a $25.00 co-pay for all visits other than well child visits.

7 - I bride my child with episodes of Max & Ruby, bath tub time, letting her be naked in nothing but a diaper and powdered donut holes.

8 - Madaline has tasted both Mountain Dew and coffee.

9 - When I open a package of fruit snacks for Madaline, I eat all the red ones before I give the to her.

9 is good....right? Because, I had a hard time just getting to nine.

Friday, June 12, 2009

2 Going on 12?

The husband has returned to work. He had to be to work at 6am this morning. This meant, that Madaline and I, were on our own. This meant, that I had to get myself ready for work, Madaline ready to go to the sitter, and both of us out the door by 7:15, in order for me to be sitting in my office by 8am.

And, so as I am gathering up the last of what we need for the day and get ready to head out the door - I see this. Please excuse the massive head of hair - I am a firm believer in picking your battles as a parent, and this morning, her hair was not one of them.

And, then I start to wonder. OH. MY. GOONNESS! Who is the 'KID' and WHERE IS MY BABY?

And, then, HOLY BANANA! As I am standing in the living room, now taking pictures to document this cuteness, as opposed to ushering ourselves out the door, she then turns to me with this look, hands in her pockets and all:

I think to myself, again - OH. MY. GOONNESS!. I know that look. It was the same one I used to give my own mother - when I was a TEENAGER! NOT A TWO YEAR OLD!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Monday, June 8, 2009

Pot Holder....ON FIRE!

Husband started his new job this afternoon. He's cookin' for a livin' again. No shame in that. It pays for the sitter, keeps the fridge stocked and puts a little extra money in our pockets. Not quite enough to support my shoe/handbag habit full time, but, well, we have have grapes and apples and bananas to eat, and that makes Madaline happy. So, well, who cares.

Tonight was my first night home ALONE with the Mayhem Maker. When he worked for a satellite company, we were often home on our own in the evening. No big deal. We got used to it. He used to even travel out of town a full week at a time, when he worked for said staellite company. We got used to it. We were even good at it. Granted I wanted to curl up in the corner of a padded room, humming show tunes to myself, while donning a straight jacket, by the end of the week. But, we got through it.

Until tonight. On a ratings scale of 1 to 10, I was about a 2 tonigh. And, I am being generous with myself. I had a HELLish day at work - which left me with very little patience tonight. Maddy being almost two - she is an EXPERT at button pushing. So, since this was out first night getting back into the swing of things, I figured we would have something simple for dinner - homemade pizza and while that was cooking, I would boil off a dozen eggs to make egg salad for lunches. It was all falling into place perfectly! Pizza had just come out of the oven and I was trying to get it cut into the squares.

Then I noticed this stench. Not a smell. Not a wiff. A Stench! Yep - a stench. It smelled like a wet sock that has been hidden in a dark damp corner for thirty years. A Stench. My lovely, green, had them for years, quilted, over priced slide your hand into it pot holder was ON FIRE! FLAME ON! Madaline, who was sitting on the counter at the time, pointed at the pretty orange flames on my lovely potholder, and giggled and said "Mommy, Funny!". Um, no. Not. Really. I dumped it in the sink and doused it with water. All the time, LMM is chanting "Funny, Funny, Funny" (yes, we are ST grads, and we still have limited speech capabilities in this house).

OH well. It's just a pot holder. Hopefully the stench will be gone by the morning.

Max & Ruby - Noggin's Peyton Place

"Ruby Max" as I am carrying her downstairs first thing in the morning.

"Ruby Max" as I am attempting to get PJ's on her in the evening.

"Ruby Max" shortly after I walk through the door and ask her how her day was

"Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max" "Ruby Max"

As you can read, Max and Ruby is going to be the death of me. At the very least, it is assisting in the leaving of my sanity.

Max and Ruby, is like crack in our house. At least it is for Madaline. It can truely tame the banshee. Additinally, we have come to learn that we will never know the LMM will need her 'fix'. As a result, the hubby and I have resorted to recording episodes onto the DVR. We learned this the hard way, after a particular taxing day, in which we didn't have one, and it was quickly approaching 8pm - almost a full hour after the latest airing and approxiatemly 23 hours until the next showing. Oye! I am sure the neighbors appreciated the howling and screaching that ensued for not having an episode for her viewing pleasure. Needless to say - Lesson Learned.

However, since both the husband and I would rather have bamboo shoots shoved into the fleshy parts of our toes then feel as if our brains are being sucked aliens and replaced with slime while we watch another episode, the husband has taken to "naughty narrating" during the show. My husband puts a spin on this show that would put Peyton Place and Dallas to shame. Yes, folks, he turns a G rated show, into an R-rated narration, fit for your Prime Time viewing pleasure. Some days he weaves a tale so tumultuous that it would only be fit for Skin-a-Max, errr, Cinamax.

His narration covers a w i d e range of topics - Ruby's real relationship with Louise, Who is Baby Huffington's Baby Daddy, How fast would Roger say 'Ah huh' if he was getting oral gratification. That Candy laces all the candy in her shop with crack, which is why everyone is so happy. That Max is really Ruby's baby. He even spins a crazy tale of Ruby and Max getting married and carrying on the family name (use your imagination with that one).

Hubby's whispering rhetorical questions and outing phrases about the characters under his breath that makes me snort coffee out my nose - nightly. So much so, that I have long since given up on enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee after dinner, especially during this 30 minutes of viewing pleasure. My nose just couldn't handle it anymore. Thankfully, my sweet, innocent Mayhem Makers watch this sweet, enduring show - and NOT paying attention to the comedic relief of her sperm donor.

And, you think this is bad - you should hear his narration for Blues Clues and The Backyardigans. Oye!

PS>Picture credit goes to: http://commuterdad.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/max-and-ruby.jpg

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Potty Training - Part I

Panty Choices? For Toddlers? RUFKM?

I am ready.

LMM is ready.

Did I mention, I am READY?!?!?!?!!?!?

I knew we were headed this direction, since it has taken us almost 3 months to go through the last box is diapers we bought at Sam's Club. No! Folks, it's not because we are bad parents and don't change our daughter regularly. It' because, well, we have been working on Peeing on the Potty. **Whee!**

And, so, to toast this monumentous occassion - I decided to buy Madaline BIG girl panties. Oye Vey! I needed either a stiff drink or a tranquilizer or BOTH, by the time I cashed out. I figured that Toddler Panty choices would be limited to brands - not brands AND Style. Not to mention the sizing - tiny hinie diaper butt is going to need some suspenders - since, well, the diaper has been holding her pants up. Thank gooNNess for summer, and dresses. Or for sure we would have some baby butt crack parking for Big Wheels on our hands. **Whew!**

Anywho, as I am standing in the Little Girls Panty section of Wal-Mart, trying my hardest not to hyperventilate at the same time, I wondered how I could even being to make this choice for my child? I thought it would be simple - Hanes or Fruit of a Loom? Not - Brief? Bikini? Hipster? Low-Rise Hipster? Low Rise Hipster Bikini?

(Thankfully, they do not make thongs for toddlers......yes, Thank you God!)

And, as I am standing there pondering these choices, my mind starts to wonder if there is really a deeper meaning behind the underwear we all wear. What does our underwear say about us? What kind of personality connotations that go along with those style choices? Or, at least what does our underwear say about us as we are standing around a high school locker room?

Brief = Granny Panty, never been kissed
Bikini = cute and comfy, you might get to first base
Hipster = tom boy, sometimes you will reach second
Low-Rise Hipster = cute, comfy, flirty, tom boy and if I really like you, you might reach third,


Low Rise Hipster Bikini = I have pre-martial sex at 13.

And, then I lost it. All of a sudden I had flash backs to my teenage years, crazy dance music, and sloppy kisses and groping hands - and It was the thought, of my toddler, wearing Low Rise Hispter Bikini panties that pushed me over the edge.

I left the store, after re-locating my sanity in the ice cream isle, with a a brand new, un-opened package, of non-character (character clothing is a whole other post), briefs for my 'you are never leaving the house or dating until you are 50 soon to be two year old'.