To: The Bryerton Household
From: Child Sleep Gods
Re: Writing and/or posting about own child's ability to put self to sleep or bedtime routine in general.
It has been brought to our attention that you are in violation of Child Sleep Gods code of ethics. Please refer to the rules below, and consider yourself warned.
1 - Never, ever, EVER post and or make suggestion about how great your child puts itself asleep. It only angers the Child Sleep Gods (CSG), and as a result, you will have a child that will do everything in their power to thwart your attempts in which for them to sleep. They will scream so long, and so hard, that for the first time in months, puking will ensue. As a result of said puking, you will be forced to change sheets in crib - this will only occur in the middle of the summer, when the temperature in your late 1800's built home, in the upstairs, is peaking between 89 - 95 degree F, with NO air conditioning. Additionally, because of puking, you will be forced to bring child back downstairs, to calm child and give child a bottle. After child is finished with bottle, child will run around the house, climb stairs, and scream as if being attacked with hot pokers, for a minimum of 25 minutes to a 1/2 hour. Said child will finally indicate that it is ready to return to bed, only to scream, as if someone is cutting off its toes with a rusty spoon for at least 15 minutes more. Also note, that if the CSG feel as if you may have been boasting about your ability to put your child to be successfully, all of this will occur within 10 minutes of you getting dinner finished and you are just about to sit down at the table to eat dinner with you significant other.
2 - A second violation of posting about how great your child puts herself to sleep, will result in all the above occurrences, happening for a minimum of three days in a row, and when you husband is working out of town.
3 - A third violation will result in no less three weeks but no more than one month of difficulty getting your child to heed and follow your established sleep routine. In addition, depending on the severity to the violation, you may also be rewarded with inconsolable middle of the night waking.
4 - A fourth violation will result in the CSG not allowing your child to sleep peacefully through the night or stress free bedtime routine in general until said child is at least 5 years old.
End of memo.